How NOT to pick me up

2003-01-21 - 9:01 a.m.

Well, this just may be the last entry for a while - at least a couple of days. I'm about to take down this computer and pack it away for the movers. I will spend the rest of the morning working on my spectroscopy homework (due tomorrow, haven't even looked at it yet, SO not like me - stupid move!). I'm not entirely sure when it will get there, and when I'll be able to set it up, and when I'll have access to the network, etc. etc. etc. You get the idea....

Anyway, I wanted to tell you my funny pick up stories. One is really funny, but insulting to me (though it's SO funny that I really don't care). The other is less than funny, but really flattering to me, so it balances out in a cosmic sort of way.

So I went to a party on Saturday night. It was a friend of a friend of a friend's party, so I didn't know any of the hosts or most of the people at the party - my favorite type of party :-P. So immediately, Caleb, one of the hosts, starts talking to me. He tells me he likes my hat and yada yada, immediately flirting with me. No surprises there, really, he was drunk and I was looking cute :-P. So anyway, we chat for a bit, on and off, for about the first hour I'm there. He promises to fill me in on some politics/gossip that may help me understand what's going on at this party and stuff. So whatever.

Several hours go by, and I make my way to the upstairs bathroom. When I get out, Caleb is there waiting for me. He says, "I want to talk to you, come to my bedroom." I was like, "umm...let's just talk downstairs." He explained that he needed more privacy than that to tell me all the gossip, so we should go to his room. I was pretty cornered, and he wasn't being rude, so I complied. So we go in, and he starts closing the door. I told him to keep it open, and he listened. He got into the bed and left me enough room to curl up next to him, so I took the chair (legs crossed, arms on the arm rests, very closed up and sending NO signals whatsoever).

This is where it starts getting good. So he gives me the gossip, and I start to stand up, and he stops me. He starts telling me how great I am - how I'm cute and fun and really cool and that he just wants to talk to me some more. He then starts talking about how surprised he is that I am so cool, since his first impression of me was self-centered, bratty, conceited, out for lots of attention, phony, shallow, one-dimensional, etc. But now that he's gotten to know me, he realizes that I'm so much deeper than that. So I explained to him that that was not a successful way to pick up a girl, and that even if I was looking to get picked up, that wouldn't work.

So of course, he got all upset, and started pouring his drunk heart out to me (belching after every fourth word or so - how attractive!). He went on and on about how he lacks confidence unless he drinks (just what every girl wants - a gassy drunk guy with self esteem issues). So he went on and on about how he used to only chase after the hottest of the hot girls, but he realized that he's fat and unattractive, and that he should lower his standards. So he proceeds to tell me that a year ago, or even a month ago, he would have found me to be 'just okay, a normal looking girl' and wouldn't have looked twice. But now that he has changed his perspective, lowered his standards for appeaance, and become less superficial, he thinks I'm cool enough that it makes up for not looking like a supermodel. At that point, some other guy came in and asked what was going on. I told him that I was about to leave because Caleb was just explaining to me how unattractive I am. This guy followed me out, telling me not to listen to that because I'm hot. Caleb also followed me out, explaining that I misunderstood him and that he really, really likes me. Here's a tip, dude, if you like a girl don't tell her that you wouldn't have looked at her before you lowered your standards. I went back into the bathroom, and he cornered me when I was coming out once again. This time I shoved him out of the way and told him I wanted to hang out with my friends. When I got downstairs, I found my friends waiting for me, laughing hysterically. Nice :-P. He was upset with me for the rest of the evening.

As mean and insulting it all was, I find it too funny to be upset about it. I mean, if I was interested in him and he said those things, I might be hurt. But I'm in no position to get picked up, and if I was, he wouldn't have been in my top 25 contenders.

But, to display that I'm not a total beast, I have to tell you about Brad. Brad was also drunk, but not sloppily so. He was not belching, or sweating, or anything like that. He introduced himself to me, we chatted for about 5 minutes, when he commented that my tongue ring was sexy. He then continued to say that I was sexy overall and that he really liked my T shirt (teddy bear baby T that I bought in London). After a few more minutes, he commented that not only did I have looks, I had brains and a great personality. He spent the rest of the night telling everybody else at the party how cool I was, and making a point to introduce me around. He also invited me to come visit him in Oxford (yes, England) this summer during his study abroad. Now, of course, I do not plan on going, and Brad also got nowhere with me (umm...duh!). It was just to illustrate an example of how to successfully flatter a girl.

All in all, it was a good party, and I plan on partying with the same crew next weekend :-P.