Crazy ain't all what it's cracked up to be....

2003-01-31 - 4:19 p.m.

Mark made an interesting point over an IM he sent me earlier. He asked me why I wouldn't want to be crazy. He pointed out that normal people were no fun.

Let me elaborate more on my situation.

I do NOT want to be 'normal'. I enjoy being very eccentric, quirky, unlike the other children. These are not necessarily a function of mental stability (or lack thereof), but rather of creativity, personality, and disdain for conformity. They can come from a lack of sanity, but those are the anti-social types of eccentricities that I just don't want.

The type of crazy I'm talking about is my lack of mental stability. In general, I feel that I am a very sane, stable, rational person. I'm good at reasoning out what is wrong with me, determining the root of the problem, and assessing whether I want to fix it or not. I tend to be very comfortable with my faults and tend to really like myself. I am motivated, hard working, confident, etc. as a result of this mental stability.

Well, all until recently. I don't quite know what is wrong with me - but I suspect it's some form of depression. I suddenly have this extremely intense fear of failure. This does not motivate me to work harder, though. In fact, it makes it difficult to leave my bed in the morning. While I was coming into school at 7:30 practically every day last semester, this semester I'm making it in for 10:00 class.

I am also not comfortable with my appearance at all. It does waver as a general rule, but the deviations are usually around a pretty high level of self esteem. Lately, I hate everything about the way I look. Does this motivate me to maintain my diet/exercise regime? Sometimes. But usually not. Usually, I just want to lie around on my couch and stuff chocolate down my throat and cry. It also conjures up the desire to have sex with any stranger who'll have me. It's as though I'm looking for validation through other sources. Why? Who knows? All of the evidence points to me being attractive (days since more than one stranger tried to kiss me: 7. Days since a random stranger told me I'm 'the most beautiful girl': 1). On top of the attention I get from strangers, my friends always tell me how great I look, and my boyfriend constantly compliments my looks. So why is that not enough? Why am I being pulled into what can potentially be a downward spiral of self-loating and self-destructive behavior? I wish I knew that answer.

I want to make one thing clear. The only place I actually have lost control is in the eating/dieting part. I have eaten probably 60 points of straight up chocolate, 20 points of cake, 20 points of ice cream and 10 points of alcohol since my last weigh in. I also had fries twice, tuna, a gyro, a Vortex cheese burger, cheetos, and other crap. I only get 175 points a week, so not much was left for actual nutritional food. Needless to say, I don't think I'll have lost any weight this week.

I haven't actually lost control of my sexuality yet. I keep on reminding myself that it's not due to a lack of sexual pleasure - because I'm certain that it's not what I want. Hell, I can do that for myself. It's also NOT because of a lack of fulfillment in my current relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth. I truly believe it's a self-destructive impulse brought on by a lack of self worth. It's really hard to explain because I don't understand it at all.

I'm not mad at anybody, nor am I looking for sympathy or even attention. I just wanted to point out that being actually crazy is less than fun. In fact, it's about as opposite of fun as you can get. I just want to curl up and hide from the world. I can't do that, though. I know I can't do that. This sucks. This is NOT who I am. What happened to the bubbly eternal optimist? What happened to the girl who didn't care what anybody thought? What happened to 'sexy is a state of mind'? I wish I could answer those questions.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I mentioned it before (because I lost what I wrote and don't remember what I rewrote), but apparantly dreaming about an argument means that you should expect a surprise. Since I argued with my mom about a multitude of events in my dream the other night, I suppose I should keep my eyes open. My mom told me to check my mail. Who knows, maybe I'll get a present.

Have a fabulous weekend everybody!!!